Ask a black dude

Back again, boys and girls.  And no three week layoff between entries.  So, I’m very proud of that.  For this next installment, I am bringing you one of the most physically talented guys I have played with or against.  He runs like a deer, has an arm like Ichiro, and is just one smooth cat.  A native Texan, Greg Golson.

BV: Alright, Gollie.  This off-season you got traded for John Mayberry, Jr.  And we were in Las Vegas like two weeks ago, and we saw him hit his first major league home run for the Phillies.  You haven’t hit any home runs with the Rangers yet, have you?
GG: No.
BV: Does that make you feel like a complete failure? (Royce Huffman laughs on the couch)
GG: (small laugh) No.  Not at all.  I mean how is that going to make me feel like a failure?
BV: Just compared to his success?
GG: No.  Because he’s had success because he got opportunities.  He got to start in a game.   I haven’t got to start in a game yet.
BV: You know I’m just messing with you, right?
GG: Yeah. 
BV: Now this next question, it’s… I’m not gay, but I stare at you in the shower. (Huffman laughs again)(Golson laughs)  Do you have body fat?
GG: (laughs) No.  I don’t, actually.  I got three percent body fat.
BV: What is it?  Do you do P90X?
GG: No, man.  It’s just God-given.  I’ve never been able to put on weight.
BV: Alright.
GG: Never.
BV: Hypothetical time.  You have all the money in the world, just stupid rich.  You’re throwing a party at your house.  And you can have any musical act playing the party.  Who is it?
GG: Hmmm.  Probably would be Kanye.  Kanye West, his “Glow in the Dark” tour.  That was the best entertainment, ever.  So I probably want to do that one.
BV: Alright.  Okay.  Um, I got to point out… Besides baseball, what else did you do in high school?
GG: Basketball, track, and I played trumpet too.  But it wasn’t…
BV: In the high school band?
GG: No, it wasn’t.  But I had to give it up.  I had to give up band for baseball.  But I did like trumpet a lot.
BV: Okay.  So, what’s a better movie in your eyes, Drumline or Major League?
GG: Major League.  Yeah.
BV: It’s just, I know you like music.  Next one.  In a movie of your life, The Greg Golson Story, who plays Greg Golson?
GG: I have no idea.  Uh, I don’t know.  I have never heard that question before.  I’d say like, I don’t know.  Jamie Foxx, just because he has so many different personalities, you know?  That’s how I am.  You know, on our baseball team, I’m this way.  Around my best friends at home, I’m this way.  Around other best friends, I’m a different way.  Everybody.  I’m different. So, I’d say Jamie Foxx just because he can be so many people.
BV: I like to think, you know, back in the day.  I think Tom Hanks would have made a great Greg Golson.  You know?
GG: Yeah, I was thinking that too.  That was the one I was going to go with.
BV: I watch Splash.  And I say, “That’s Greg Golson.”
GG: Um hmmm.  Um hmmm.  Yeah.
BV: Two more questions.  Alright.  This one’s kind of a serious thing.  It’s kind of going to be a little funky at first.  Brandon Boggs is up in the big leagues which leaves you as our lone African American on the team.  (Golson and Huffman with small laughs).
RH: Oh, wow.
BV: Now, I told you this was going to sound kind of funky.  Is there something wrong in that? A roster of 24 guys and only one black dude?
GG: No.  I mean, the Rangers are going to go after the best possible player.  There’s not that many black dudes playing because…
BV: Well, that’s what more of what I was leaning towards, the decline in African American players in pro ball.
GG: Yeah.  I mean, I definitely think there’s a push to get more blacks in baseball, but, ultimately, it’s up to blacks themselves to get into the game.  And granted, it is a more expensive sport to play when you’re younger.  Because you gotta have eight other guys that want to play.  You gotta have a glove, ball, bat, cleats.  All that stuff.  Basketball, all you gotta have is a basketball.  Football, you don’t really need anything.  But I don’t know.  I think they’re doing a good job of… I came up with the Phillies.  And you know, they… Last year, their top four picks were black dudes.  I don’t know.  I feel like if… Once it gets to point where you don’t look at that, I think that’s when it won’t be a problem.  You know, it shouldn’t matter how many blacks are on a team, or how many whatevers on a team.
BV: Okay.(motion to the bat in Golson’s hand)  Um, I gotta tell you.  That’s a nice piece of lumber you got in your hands right now.  

GG: Thanks.
BV: I got to play against you last year when you were in Reading.  And you had a really sweet piece of lumber. (Golson laughs)  What happened to that bat?
GG: Yeah, actually, I forgot who was pitching.  But I broke it, shattered it.  In the all-star game.  
BV: The Eastern League all-star game.
GG: The Eastern League all-star game.  It was a pitcher from the Red Sox.
BV: Yeah, I remember that dude.  Good looking guy.
GG: I’m trying to think who it was. I don’t know.  He spelled his name weird.  Something… Beo Voggin.
BV: Thanks, Greg.
For all of you scratching your heads about who this mysterious, yet ruggedly handsome Voggin guy is, it’s me.  Yeah, I blew Gollie up inside.  It was a hard one-hopper right back at me.  I sprinted over to first to flip it underhand.  And when I looked up, I saw that I had only beaten Greg by a step.  He’s that fast.  He almost beat out a come-backer to the pitcher.  It doesn’t really matter that the pitcher was slower than… Well, he’s just really slow.
Greg Golson was a member of the 2008 World Champion Philadelphia Phillies.  And he received a ridiculous World Series ring.  And he is, by far, one of the nicest and coolest dudes on the Oklahoma City Redhawks.  
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Married with children

Hi, kids.  I’m back after a lengthy hiatus.  But I am feeling pretty good as it appears the magic might be back.  My last interview subject, Daniel Bard, found his way to the bigs shortly after our little chat.  I’m real proud of him.  He’s my special boy.

Now, a new subject.  I am once again targeting teammates.  And this guy is a genuinely good dude.  Happily married.  Father of two beautiful kids.  He is the person who coordinates with the pastor for chapel on Sundays in our clubhouse.  Or so I hear.  And also the Oklahoma Redhawks’ most effective relief pitcher thus far.  Mr. Brian Gordon.

BV: Okay, Brian Gordon.  The thing that baffles me the most in this world is the life of a married man.  What is the compromise when you and the misses are sitting on the couch, and there are two separate shows that the two of you want to watch?  How does that work?
BG: I once heard someone say… It’s a quote from a movie.  “Happy wife, happy life.”
BV: Of course, The Heartbreak Kid.  But please elaborate.
BG: Being that I get to play at the yard all day, I feel like she deserves to watch what she wants.  She’s a hard working mom with our two kids.  And a single mom half the time.  So she gets to watch what she wants.  And gets a foot rub.
BV: So, you’re not sick of Desperate Housewives yet?
BG: At one point, yes, I was.  But as ballplayers, we have that schedule we have.  It interrupts.  So, it’s been a while since we’ve seen Desperate Housewives.  But I should be able to make a tiramisu.  What is that?  A cake?  Because we are stuck watching The Food Channel a bunch.
BV: Okay, so if not Desperate Housewives, The Food Channel, whatever.  What TV shows have you had to sacrifice?
BG: I think the only shows that have been sacrificed are sports-talk shows on ESPN.  Lucky for me, she can sit and watch a ball game if it’s on.
BV: Okay.  You were a hitter up until 2007.  Have to ask.  Hitting a nasty slider down and away, or throwing a 2-0 off-speed pitch for a strike.  What’s tougher?
BG: By far, hitting a nasty slider down and away.  I could start off by saying that I’m pitching now.  So that just sums up my ability to hit a down and away slider.  After ten years, I’m now a pitcher.
BV: One more baseball question.  Last one, guaranteed.  Brian Gordon, the hitter, versus Brian Gordon, the pitcher.  What happens?
BG: I don’t throw the hitter a fastball because that’s all I would look for.  All I do is flip up curveballs.  
BV: What does Brian Gordon, the hitter, do with those curveballs?  
BG: Swings at two, maybe three of them.
BV: And the outcome of the swings?
BG: Hard and violent.  I will get my money’s worth.
BV: But do you connect?
BG: I don’t think I connect.  My curveball is 68 miles per hour.  I don’t think I could stay back as a hitter.  There are many that can.  But I don’t think I could.  I’m too geeked up to hit.  It doesn’t make for a good off-speed hitter.
BV: Fair enough.  Personally, I like to think I light myself up.  I’m getting off track.  Okay.  You’re a couple years older than me.  I’ve got my ten year high school reunion coming up in October.  Did you go to yours?
BG: I did not go to mine.
BV: Why not?
BG: I still hang around most of my friends from then.  And it was during baseball season.  Maybe the big 2-0.
BV: I’m sorry for your loss.  I’m going to party like it’s 1999.  

BG: Why?
BV: Because that was my senior year.  Speaking of getting older.  You have a son and a daughter.  Focusing mainly on your son, and I talked to you about this earlier.  When do you plan on tying your son’s right arm behind his back?
BG: (small laugh) It’s probably something I should do.  But, uh, being that his mom and dad are just average size people, I’m going to let him decide.  If baseball is his passion, I’d love to teach him.  But we’ll see.  His mom’s left-handed.  I think.
BV:  You think?  How long have you been married?
BG: We’ve been married five years.  Hold on.  Let me think.  Don’t put that in.
(It’s fair to tell you at this point that my digital voice recorder crapped out on me, and I had to write all this and talk at the same time.  Just trying to give you the sense of desperation Brian was feeling at this point as my hand moved franticly about the page.)
BG: (laughing) And I think I’ve seen her throw a ball five times.  And she says, “I think I used to be left-handed.” (more laughing) You’re going to get my (hoofed mammal of the genus Equus, or donkey) kicked.
(And now a moment of reflection as I pat myself on the back for getting Brian to say a word which needed censoring.)
BV: Last question.  We talk movies in the bullpen.  We’re both kids of the 80’s.  What’s your favorite 80’s movie and favorite 80’s song?
BG: Hmmm.  Uh, I think 80’s movie… Gosh, this is so hard because there are so many. (long pause, as in a good 20 seconds)  I was a huge fan of Gleaming the Cube with Christian Slater.  But at the same time… Weird Science.  Might be the top two for me.
BV: And the song?
BG: Favorite 80’s song… (20 more seconds of suspense).  Again, so many.  What’s your favorite?
BV: Song or movie?
BG: Favorite song.  Because I need help.
BV: Definitely… Woo.  This is tough.
BG: The interview has shifted.
BV: Okay. Bananarama, “Cruel Summer” off The Karate Kid soundtrack.  Kinda girly, but I like it.
BG: But not your favorite?
BV: Definitely my favorite because it makes me think of Elizabeth Shue in her prime.  And she was hot.
BG: Ooh.  Commando, my favorite action movie.
BV: Okay.  But which song?  We talk about this all the time in the bullpen.
BG: I know.  But there’s not just one.  There’s so many I enjoy.  They just put me in a jolly mood, all of them.
BV: Okay.  It’s late.  I’m feeling woozy.  So your constant talking and my lack of a voice recorder is going to make all of this impossible to read because my handwriting is terrible right now.  SONG.  NOW.
BG: (laughs) Oh, man.  I guess, uh, … What was it?  Bon Jovi, “Wanted Dead or Alive” maybe.
BV: Fantastic.  Excellent choice.  You got me hot just thinking about it.
BG: (laughs)
BV: Thank you, Brian.  And I only hope I’m as sexy as you when I decide to ruin my life with marriage.
BG: (laughs) No comment.
Brian is a fantastic sport, a good husband and father, a very good pitcher, and one hell of a model American.  He made his major league debut last year with the Rangers.  And I’m thinking he will be making his encore any day now.  
Okay, I gotta go.  Get Smart is on HBO.  Anne Hathaway.  Yeah, buddy.  

Mixing it up

Okay.  I have a problem.  Now, while Derek Holland’s good fortunes were realized immediately after sitting down to talk with me, my more recent subjects have not been as lucky.  Thomas Diamond is currently on the disabled list.  Royce Huffman saw a slight dip in his batting average shortly after speaking with me.  He has thankfully seen it rise back to where it was before the interview.  And in a recent interview I gave Bob Hersom, I hinted that I might like to get Derrick Turnbow to sit down for one of these.  And as Bob pointed out in that piece, Turnbow was granted his release the next day.  

So, something has to change.  Something to counter our mini-Redhawk curse.  I know when I first started doing this I said I would try and feature the players from the number one rated minor league system, according to Baseball America.  But I can’t afford to potentially jinx my teammates.  So who can I talk to?  It has to be someone who is very good.  Someone this jinx will not apply to.  Then it hit me.
I give you an ex-teammate of mine.  Houston-born, former North Carolina Tar Heel, current Boston Red Sox farmhand, and a missing member of Jon Heder’s family, Daniel Bard.

BV: We’ll get right into it.  Bardo, you and I made a mock public service announcement last year in Portland, Maine.  Can you tell people what the subject of that was?
DB: I believe it was about equestrian-related DUI’s in the greater Portland area, and how it was a rising problem.  I don’t quite remember everything about it it.  We made some warnings and said what the punishments were.
BV: Can you remember what the warnings were?
DB: I can’t remember exactly what the warnings were.  I remember the punishment was… I think it was like 30 days probation and up to a $100,000 fine. (laughs)  Something along those lines.
BV: Okay.  That’s good enough.  My second question is a baseball question.  One of my new teammates, Neftali Feliz, throws a hundred miles per hour.  You get it up to a hundred miles per hour.  And the common thread between you two is that you both do it so effortlessly.  Now, I tend to look like a steroid addict having a seizure just trying to get 90.  How do you make it look so easy?
DB: What is my secret?  I’d have to say Mountain Dew.
BV: That’s your secret?  You’re all jacked up on Mountain Dew?
DB: (laughs) I don’t know if there is any scientific data linking Mountain Dew to peformance… No.  It’s just hard work in the gym.
BV: Ah, the gym.  I guess that would be the reason for the differences in our velocities.  Alright, dude.  I have to ask this question because I watched so much Baseball Tonight during spring training.  What is it like to have Peter Gammons (doing a Tarzan from your organs most directly responsible for reproduction)?  Does it get uncomfortable when you’re sleeping at night and you roll over on him?
DB: (laughs, for a while) I don’t even know if there is a good response to this.  I guess he’s so  small that I don’t feel him there.  (laughs, for a while longer)  I don’t even know what to say. 
BV: You okay?
DB: (laughing winding down) Yeah, I’m good.  That reminds me.  Have you seen Gammons’ new commercial?
BV: No.
DB: It’s like a Baseball Tonight commercial.  It shows how he gets all of his information from around the league by using pigeons.  Yeah, they’re all bringing him notes.  (pause) So, to answer your question, no.  It doesn’t get uncomfortable.
BV: Who’s that in the background (of your phone)?
DB: It’s just (Michael) Bow(den).
BV: Oh, put him on.  I have to ask him a question.
MB: Yo, Beau.  What up, dude?
BV:  Not much, Bow.  Hey, listen.  I have to ask a question.
MB: Okay.  Shoot.
BV: How much big league time do you have?
MB: I have two days which have resulted in about nine and a half hours.
BV: That’s about nine and a half more hours than Bard.  Where’s Peter Gammons’ love for you?
MB: Well, he throw triple digits, dude.  If I was Peter Gammons, I’d be all over him too.  In fact, we’re going to have to start charging Peter rent.  We already have Chris George on our couch.  And every time Bard gets out of the shower, Peter’s right there. (laughs)
BV: (laughing) Fantastic.  I love talking to you, Bow.  Hand me back to Bard.  Good luck the rest of the season.
MB: Later, dude.
DB: We might be taking this Peter Gammons thing too far.
BV: You might be right.  Last question.  If you met Jon Heder, a.k.a. Napoleon Dynamite, would the universe implode?
DB: My answer to that is… Did you know Napoleon Dynamite has an identical twin?
BV: I did know that.  I watch the E! channel all the time.
DB: So you know I’m not him.  I often get mistaken.  And it would probably fly.
BV:  But what would happen if you two met?
DB: Oh.  The way it would go down.  He would walk in.  We’d lock eyes.  And then p
robably have a staring contest for about thirty to forty minutes.  I am looking forward to that day.
BV: Outstanding.  Thanks a lot, Bardo.
DB: No problem, dude.
I know the majority of you who read this, 2, are Rangers fans.  I had to break the jinx.  So, I figured if I interviewed anyone outside of the system, it should be someone you may have heard of.  And I apologize to Peter Gammons for making him seem like the “Geico” cash outside of Bard’s and Bowden’s apartment.  Take care, all.

Supersexy

First thing’s first.  I want to apologize to both of you who read last week’s post.  There were a couple instances of improper vocabulary usage in the interview.  I realize this is a family friendly site.  And I will do a better job of concealing what I call “potty” words.  So, without detracting from the tone and accuracy of my interviews from here forth, I will just use parenthesis and a slight description so that these “potty” words won’t be read by the kids.  And if your kids can read, what the heck are they doing reading this?  Get those baby geniuses reading something that will help them in school, thus alleviating Mommy and Daddy’s contribution to Junior’s college fund via scholarship money.  

So, with that said, I give you Oklahoma City’s most seasoned triple A veteran, Royce Huffman.
BV: Royce, first question.  You have a shirt you sometimes wear under your jersey for home games.  What does that shirt say on it?
RH: Supersexy.
BV: You think that’s fitting?
RH: Well, it started out…  I hadn’t even seen that shirt until after spring training.  And I remember telling myself in spring training, “I want to feel sexy in the (batter’s) box.”  You know.  I just want to feel sexy up at the plate.  And sure enough, I go to Fort Worth.  My parents have a place there, and (Royce’s brother) Chad left some stuff there.  And I saw this shirt of his that said, “Supersexy.”  It was blue and red, kind of matches our team.  But I wore it for the first three games and got no knocks.  So I scrapped it real quick.  It’s hanging back in my locker in Oklahoma City.
BV: So, that will exclusively be for the misses now?
RH: Yeah.  Yeah.  I’m actually gonna give it back to my brother.  It’s definitely got no knocks in it.  
BV:  Nice of you to do that to your brother.  Give him his shirt with no knocks back.
RH:  Yeah, you know.
BV: Speaking of your brother, my second question.  Kind of a hypothetical because I know he plays for the Portland Beavers in the PCL.  I gotta ask you.  It’s a situation.  Let’s say he does something on the field, and it angers me when I’m on the mound.
RH: Do I have your back or his back?
BV: If I hit him and he charges, who are you helping beating the crap out of whom?
RH: That’s a tough one.  Knowing Chad, if you do hit him, he won’t charge.
BV: Let’s say he does.
RH: Okay, if he does charge, I’m gonna have to get in the middle and break it up.  Because I’m definitely not going to throw any blows at my teammates or my brother.  So, I’m going to have to play peacemaker on that one.
BV: You’re such a (another word for cat, or a type of willow).
RH: (laughs) I know.  I mean, what do you want me to do?  Clock my brother or clock my teammate?
BV: That’s what I want to know.  I’m trying to get to the root of this interview.
RH: Ah, (vulgar term for the physical act of love).  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.  It depends on who hits him.  If you hit him, you know… he’s, uh,  I don’t know.
BV: So, if I hit him with my side-arm 86 miles per hour in the butt…
RH: He’s got a big (another term for donkey).  Yeah, he’s got a huge (donkey word).  It will not get to the muscle.  (laughs, hysterically)
BV: Okay.  Awesome.  People might not know you played college football at TCU.  And you have a former teammate at TCU who has made a pretty good career for himself in the NFL.
RH: He has done well.
BV: Tell me about Aaron Schobel.
RH: (surprised) Aaron Schobel.  I like that.  You know what?  I’m so glad you said that said that instead of L.T. (LaDanian Tomlinson)
BV: (kidding) Who’s L.T.?
RH: Exactly.  You know what’s so funny.  Aaron and I are pretty good friends.  His brother, Matt, married my cousin.  So, we’re pretty close.  I can say I have played with two pro-bowlers.  But Aaron Schobel is awesome.  He’s a great pass rusher off the edge.  He’s got a lot of speed, and he’s really got a nose for the ball.  He’s a guy… When he was a freshman, we had our lockers right next to each other cause I was number 12.  And he was number 14.  So we would talk (synonym for feces) back and forth all the time.  He was like the worst practice player ever.  He was the laziest, laziest guy you’ll ever meet.  At least he was when I was going to TCU.  He never wanted to work out.  Never wanted to practice.  But for some reason, when the lights flipped on, he was around the ball every play.  And he’s a great dude. He deserves everything he’s gotten.
BV: You really thought I was going to ask you about L.T.
RH: Because everybody talks about L.T.  You know, I made L.T. a lot of money.  I really did. I was the slot receiver.  We ran the option a lot.
BV: Cracking back on those (line)backers.
RH:  Cracking back on option.  For me, they out-weighed me by thirty pounds.  So for me to hold a block on an outside backer for more than a split second was a task.  
BV: So all those guys whose ankles he was breaking on highlight reels were guys you missed blocks on.
RH: Exactly.  He would never have had to show the scouts he was so good at yards after contact or making guys miss in the backfield and getting positive yards if it wasn’t for me.
So he can thank me for being a bad blocker.
BV: Alright, last one.  I don’t know if you know this.  But there’s a very famous musician who shares your birthday.  Michael Bolton.  I love him.
RH: (amazed) Really?  Are you serious?
BV: I am a Michael Bolton fan.
RH: Is this an Office Space question?
BV: I’m just messing with you.  You don’t really have the same birthday as Michael Bolton.  You do actually share your birthday with Mary J. Blige.
RH: Really?  Cause here’s the deal.  I always watch Entertainment Tonight to see whose got my birthday.  And there’s somebody.  But it’s some scrub, so I don’t really think about it.
BV:  Wow.  You’re calling Mary J. a scrub.
RH: (emphatic) No.  No.
BV: I hope she is one of the dozen people who actually reads this blog.
RH: I did not know that Mary J. Blige was January 11.  And now I do.  Mary J. Blige.
BV: Isn’t your life fuller now that you know that?
RH: It is.  It is.  What’s that song she sings?  The, um… (the afore mentioned term for the physical act of love).  What’s that song she sings?
BV: I don’t know.  I’m a Michael Bolton fan.  I don’t know what the hell Mary J. Blige sings.
RH: (laughs) Michael Bolton.  I love Office Space.  Because that no talent (donkey term)-clown has my name.
BV: And that’s a good note to end on.  Thanks, Royce.
RH: No problem, man.  Anytime.
Royce Huffman is an awesome dude.  He signed in 1999 with the Houston Astros and is anxiously awaiting his major league debut.  He is definitely a guy who you want behind you as a pitcher.  So, if you’re a minor league fan looking for a good guy to pull for, root for me.  Royce is good too.  But I’m going to be selfish and throw my name in the hat.  

Late Nights

I’m a little tired, as you will see in my most recent interview.  So forgive me for making this intro a little short.  We’ll just get to the meat and potatoes.  I never know if I am spelling that word right.  Thank you, Dan Quayle, for screwing up my spelling forever.  I can’t remember.  It doesn’t matter.  I’m sure the good people at MLBlogs will clean this all up once I’m finished and eliminate these sentences of drivel.  Anyhoo, I give you 2004 first round draft pick, 10th overall, my former college teammate, Thomas Diamond.

BV:  Alright, Tommy.  This isn’t going to take that long because I’m a little hung over from last night.
TD:  Sweet.
BV:  Yeah.  Good times.  (explitive), what was I going to ask you?
TD:  (laughs) I’m not hung over.
BV:  Yeah, I know.  Uh, first question, what was the motive behind naming your son Colt?
TD:  We thought it was a cool name, my wife and I.
BV:  You do realize that you need to have two more boys, and you know what you need to name them, right?  Rocky and Tum-Tum.  You gotta have all 3 Ninjas, right?
TD:  (laughs) Maybe.  I gotta run that past…  If we have another boy, we’ve already got another name picked out.
BV:  What’s that one?
TD:  Jax.
BV:  Oh that’s…  I remember you telling me that.
TD:  My linebacker.
BV:  Nice.  Here’s the serious question.  Becoming a father, having your son, how has that changed your outlook on your baseball career?
TD:  Definitely, it puts everything in perspective.  For a while it was just me, and all I had was baseball.  Now I need to strap it on, go out there, and get better every day.  Try to put food on the table for three people.  If I don’t do that, then I have to find something else to do to feed him. 
BV:  Responsibility.
TD:  Definitely.
BV:  It’s a bitch.
TD:  (laughs)  If you don’t have any clue, it will kick your *** pretty good.  But the good thing is you get nine months to prepare.
BV:  There you go.  Besides, it’s not like you had to do any of the hard work.
TD:  No.  I did nothing.
BV:  Uh, I got a hypothetical for you.  A situation we have to jump in a time machine to travel back to.  If you were to get in a fight with Nolan Ryan, how would you go about attacking him?  For instance, you’re Robin Ventura.  What would be your plan of attack?  Because I don’t really think his worked too well.
TD:  No.  My plan of attack would definitely not be to put my head underneath his arm like Robin did.  But, uh, I mean I would have to go straight out of Semi-Pro and go crazy fists.
BV:  I thought crazy fists was Talladega Nights.  Wasn’t it?
TD:  Coming at you, Semi-Pro.
BV:  You’re right.  He was doing the windmill in Talladega.
TD:  He comes at the bear, crazy fists.
BV:  That’s right.  Spumoni.
TD:  Spumoni would have to be my safe word.
BV:  Nice.  Uh, you do realize this is very good luck because Derek gave the first interview with me.  And then went straight to the big leagues.
TD:  I do know that.  But I’m also thinking about changing road roomies because he was you’re roomy on the road.
BV:  That might not be a bad idea.  I need someone responsible to wake me up after the crazy nights on the road.  Thanks, Tommy.
TD:  Alright, bro.
After the last interview, I said look for Derek Holland in the big leagues within the next year.  And look how long it took.  So, with that in mind, Thomas will be at the major league all-star game in July.  That’s right.  Rookie of the year, too.  And a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-like transition into film where Thomas will do all his own stunts.  I was going to say Brian Bosworth.  You know, being in Oklahoma and all right now.  But I don’t think Columbia has greenlit Stone Cold 2 just yet.  I’ve heard good things though.  It’s in the works.  Peace, everybody.

Out of the gates

Hi.  I’m Beau.  Okay.  Formalities out of the way.  Just so you know, this isn’t a normal blog.  I’m not going to talk about myself, my career, or my experiences in detail.  I figure, I am apart of the number 1 minor league organization in all of baseball, according to Baseball America.  So, with this plethora (big word) of talent surrounding me at the triple A level, why not give you, the reader, something you’ll be interested in reading.  Because, if you’re reading this, you fall into one of two categories.  Either you are a big Rangers fan, or you’re related to me.  The latter, you know me, Mom, Dad.  It is my goal to bring my talented teammates to the forefront by asking them questions most journalists don’t think to ask.  Or they don’t ask because they are ridiculous questions in the first place.  Anyhoo, without further delay, I give you the amazing kisser, the talented, the handsome southpaw, Derek Holland.

BV:  First off, have you ever had anybody interview you just wearing their underwear?
DH:  No.  I can’t say I’ve actually had somebody interview me just wearing underwear.  It’s a pleasure having you for a roommate.
BV:  Why, thank you.  Uh, the other night, you and I compared our iTunes folders for the lamest song.  Which song was determined the lamest?
DH:  It happened to be me.  It was definitely Hanson’s “Mmm Bop”.
BV:  How did that song get on to your computer?
DH:  I use it to annoy people when I play xBox.
BV:  Nice.  I read on a previous interview that you gave that you want to go hunting.  What do you want to hunt?
DH:  I would like to hunt anything, such as a deer, birds, ducks.  Any of that.
BV:  You want to shoot them with a gun?
DH:  Yes.
BV:  You don’t get any thrill of chasing them down with a knife?
DH:  There’s no possible way I’d catch a deer.  A deer would kick my butt.
BV:  Okay.  Uh…Oh, if you could be any U.S. president for a day, who would you be?
DH:  Bill Clinton.
BV:  Why?
DH:  Because he’s the man.  He’s a good role model.  Him, or George W. Bush.
BV:  You’re kind of straddling the fence between a liberal and a conservative.
DH:  I know.
BV:  You realize we play in Oklahoma and for Texas.  Unless I’m mistaken, those are both pretty red states.
DH:  That’s fine.
BV:  Now, the one baseball related question.  You and Neftali (Feliz).  He steps in the batter’s box against you.  You step in against him.  Who has a better shot of getting a hit?
DH:  Well, if he hits me…
BV:  We’re not talking about hitting each other.  Who’s got the better odds of getting a hit?
DH:  I’d probably say…  I’m gonna go me.
BV:  Wow.  Throwing it out there?
DH:  Yeah.  I’m gonna say I have a better chance of getting a hit off him.
BV:  I’m going to make sure to transcribe this to Spanish so he gets the message.
DH:  I’d appreciate that.
BV:  And lastly, I have to ask this.  What is the nickname our Redhawk teammates affectionately refer to you as?
DH:  To be honest, I don’t know.  (Laughs)  But I think it’s Wonderboy.
BV:  Does that bother you at all?
DH:  No.  It’s funny.  I actually think it’s funny.
BV:  Any shot you walk out to the mound to Tenacious D’s “Wonderboy”?
DH:  You know, it’s crossing my mind now.  I actually think that’s what I’m going to do when I get back (to Oklahoma City).  
Derek Holland was a wonderful interview and is a great pitcher.  Look for him in Arlington in the next year or so.  As for me, I just hope my exceptional journalism skills from the years I spent on my high school paper shine through.  
If you have any thoughts or feedback, leave a comment or something.  I could use the help.