I’m a little tired, as you will see in my most recent interview. So forgive me for making this intro a little short. We’ll just get to the meat and potatoes. I never know if I am spelling that word right. Thank you, Dan Quayle, for screwing up my spelling forever. I can’t remember. It doesn’t matter. I’m sure the good people at MLBlogs will clean this all up once I’m finished and eliminate these sentences of drivel. Anyhoo, I give you 2004 first round draft pick, 10th overall, my former college teammate, Thomas Diamond.
BV: Alright, Tommy. This isn’t going to take that long because I’m a little hung over from last night.
BV: Yeah. Good times. (explitive), what was I going to ask you?
TD: (laughs) I’m not hung over.
BV: Yeah, I know. Uh, first question, what was the motive behind naming your son Colt?
TD: We thought it was a cool name, my wife and I.
BV: You do realize that you need to have two more boys, and you know what you need to name them, right? Rocky and Tum-Tum. You gotta have all 3 Ninjas, right?
TD: (laughs) Maybe. I gotta run that past… If we have another boy, we’ve already got another name picked out.
BV: What’s that one?
BV: Oh that’s… I remember you telling me that.
TD: My linebacker.
BV: Nice. Here’s the serious question. Becoming a father, having your son, how has that changed your outlook on your baseball career?
TD: Definitely, it puts everything in perspective. For a while it was just me, and all I had was baseball. Now I need to strap it on, go out there, and get better every day. Try to put food on the table for three people. If I don’t do that, then I have to find something else to do to feed him.
BV: It’s a bitch.
TD: (laughs) If you don’t have any clue, it will kick your *** pretty good. But the good thing is you get nine months to prepare.
BV: There you go. Besides, it’s not like you had to do any of the hard work.
TD: No. I did nothing.
BV: Uh, I got a hypothetical for you. A situation we have to jump in a time machine to travel back to. If you were to get in a fight with Nolan Ryan, how would you go about attacking him? For instance, you’re Robin Ventura. What would be your plan of attack? Because I don’t really think his worked too well.
TD: No. My plan of attack would definitely not be to put my head underneath his arm like Robin did. But, uh, I mean I would have to go straight out of Semi-Pro and go crazy fists.
BV: I thought crazy fists was Talladega Nights. Wasn’t it?
TD: Coming at you, Semi-Pro.
BV: You’re right. He was doing the windmill in Talladega.
TD: He comes at the bear, crazy fists.
BV: That’s right. Spumoni.
TD: Spumoni would have to be my safe word.
BV: Nice. Uh, you do realize this is very good luck because Derek gave the first interview with me. And then went straight to the big leagues.
TD: I do know that. But I’m also thinking about changing road roomies because he was you’re roomy on the road.
BV: That might not be a bad idea. I need someone responsible to wake me up after the crazy nights on the road. Thanks, Tommy.
TD: Alright, bro.
After the last interview, I said look for Derek Holland in the big leagues within the next year. And look how long it took. So, with that in mind, Thomas will be at the major league all-star game in July. That’s right. Rookie of the year, too. And a Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson-like transition into film where Thomas will do all his own stunts. I was going to say Brian Bosworth. You know, being in Oklahoma and all right now. But I don’t think Columbia has greenlit Stone Cold 2 just yet. I’ve heard good things though. It’s in the works. Peace, everybody.